請客

超人 (等同太空人) 的食物


婚後第一個新年，最不習慣的不是派利是，而是為任職老師的老公請客。

很想把事情做好。這位「先生」有兩班學生來拜年，其實，想盡力做好的動力不來自討好夫君，而是我自己身為學生時的一些美好印象。自己一向頗有老師緣，我這類書呆子成績paranoid的飯團，老師都愛示好（中學時曾經有位老師，說我拔尖後，就連唯一一個聽書的孩子也沒有了。原來我在堂上的點頭，竟成了他對自己存在的肯定）。

中學時，有位Miss常常請我睇戲吃飯，我們會一起去看那些怪怪慢慢的電影。她本身不是念什麼藝術文化，只是對不同的電影有興趣，所以我們二人也是一同摸索（或在電影院裡打瞌睡）我升上大學後，她還會跑來跟我看邵逸夫堂播的電影。而且從不收我晚飯錢，因為我還沒有工作。我畢業後，好像也只是還了一兩頓飯給她。

大學時新傳的老師一向都像朋友。其中最記得是馮應謙請我們吃他弄的冰皮月餅，男人老餅拎住那些白雪的餅給我們上堂品嚐，真是很適合奇怪的他。也很記得攝影課最後一堂，Paul帶我們上一個行家開的studio玩，好像叫了外賣，還看到那家很特別的裝飾和傢俬，及很多很多的攝影書和音樂，那一刻很大開眼界 (現在回想仍然非常羡慕那位行家! 後來半巧合地，他竟然因為協助另一位行家拍結婚照，在我結婚簽字時出現，我們二人也呆了...)。

想說什麼呢，就是老師除了給我啟蒙，更令我心存感激的是難忘的片段。好像中學有一位老師，常常準備很多零食，一見到較熟絡的同學在教員室門口，就會立刻回位拿小零食給學生。學生會很久很久以後都會記得那顆糖果，因為會讓人記得那種「我鐘意o個個Ms xxx呀，佢好好人!」稚氣。

徵兆老師在學校怎樣我不知道，但徵兆老師的家就我都有份。就算食物不好吃，我也想他的學生很多年後記得那年老師第一年有老婆仔， 煮了很多有趣但怪味的東西給我們，真叫人大開眼界、印象深刻 (不是負面...)。還有，劍蘭配青竹，百合配紅葉，風信子放在紅杯中，來湯老師家拜年，唔食得都睇得。我也有悉心為全盒扮靚，盒上有金老虎，盒裡有金杏仁，希望比平常的全盒豐富一點。大家吃膩了片片糕點，我就用XO醬炒或改變一下其形狀 (當然，結果粒狀的都變了糊蓉...)。

想做的，是為別人製造美好的感覺。有些人覺得我眼裡只有湯先生，但其實，我是希望透過湯先生，做到好事。這是未結婚已經跟他說的，還記得他扁咀回應道：你不要做超人。

When we talk about ghost tree...

Such an opportunist.

***

瑪利諾的鬼樹被肢解，我不敢去現場看。工程人員在我還在睡覺的時候，用吊臂從頭到腳，由頂到根把它一枝一截地割下來.......我可以用一百個描述恐怖片的詞語去形容整個過程，那種震憾比任何驚慓片都更真實，我選擇在電視裡看，因為我真的不願接受這是它真正的結局。
關於這棵南杉樹， 對非瑪利諾師生來說，「鬼樹」這個稱呼只是帶著嘩眾取寵的味道。可能也因為改壞名，所以面對了這個恐怖、被分屍的厄運。我記得，升讀到中學後，學生很自然都不會怕鬼樹了。可能是長大了，明白每間學校皆有鬼故，也可能是因為位於小學的鬼樹在地理位置上更遠離了，可怕的氣息也飄不過來了。回想，若要說鬼樹之所以成為鬼樹，應該是它那懾人的高度，還有那如古樹的特徵，帶著守護者式的正氣，卻又有點神怪的妖異。

曾經，一個夏天過後，它的樹幹上流出奶白色的樹液。同學說上面有不同的「楊」字。我不敢去看，卻和同學猜數著中文字裡有多少個「楊」字，洋、羊、徉、陽、揚....回想也不知道是否中文老師散播的謠言，想我們去念字，卻沒跟科學老師弄清楚那不是一棵楊樹。但其實關於古樹的鬼故，就只有這一個。其他都是和樹下的電箱及石路有關。

流傳得最久那個鬼故，是關於貓的。有人說，當任何一只貓走到樹下，都會立刻死去，電箱裡其實全都是貓的屍體。後來，我們更發現在樹下的石路上近杉樹的石階有血跡，那是貓血，同學都這樣說。我記得每次我走那條小石路，總會記著得避過那塊血的石頭。
隨著鬼樹倒下，相信石路和電箱，都再沒有任何故事好說。每一棵樹，就如每一個碼頭，每一條村，都有依存它的故事。我們喊著保育，要保護的， 從來都不只是那脆弱的東西，而是依賴著它千絲萬縷的關係，亦是組成這個城市的每一條纖維。

電視鏡頭沒有拍到電箱，也沒有拍到石路。我只看到在天橋旁、校舍頂的樹，被逐一砍掉。鏡頭瞄準眼淚。但其實我和她們都不該是只為樹哭，還有那從此藉藉無名的電箱，單一顏色的石路，和那些再也沒有機會討論「楊」字進補中文的學妹們。鬼樹的故事要靠電箱和石路一起組成，城市的故事又何嘗不是？

***

鬼樹被砍的前幾天，媽看到新聞，就說妹妹一定不會哭，還一副「知女者莫若媽」的樣子。

我追問，那你覺得我會不捨嗎?

「你一定會，你實話唔好斬啦。咩都唔好斬唔好變唔好郁唔好掉 .....」(開始發揮平時對我不丟東西以致家居屯積了極多雜物的不滿)

係喎, 你又知o既? 我都滿足下佢啦。

「你係咁架啦，最好係棵樹霉哂都唔好斬，等佢自己跌落嚟就最好。」

阿妹o係度笑，你地而家好豁達囉。

My Midnight Garden

Tom's Midnight Garden，我常常想起這個故事。Spooky but sweet。Spooky的部份是長大後才感覺到的。中一的時候讀此書，其實也不算child了，當時一點害怕的感覺也沒有。

故事可能很多人看過，被評為史上十大最好的Children Lit. 關於一個不能出街的小孩。搬到親戚的大屋後，每晚聽到老爺鐘竟然會敲十三下 (十三點)。走到花園，竟然看到如白天的生氣，陽光下還認識了一個小女孩。他們共度很多快樂時光，每晚如是。花園會於白天消失，不過每晚也會出現，而小女孩差不多每天也會有變化，一天長大一歲。而且在花園裡，除了女孩以外，誰也看不到男孩。最後，原來這個花園是一位婆婆的過去，相差七十年的二人在一個花園裡相遇。我記得最後一幕，是在男孩的現實，他要回家離開大屋前，他和已是老太婆的「女孩」相認。

那場見面在兒童文學裡被評為最感動，動人是在於男孩是周公，也是蝴蝶。對女孩來說，她過了七十年才終於再見男孩。她從來都是每年才見她一次。之後他便消失了 (在男孩的世界裡，因為他要搬離大屋了)。那種時間的魔幻感，對還是中一的我來說，是異常震憾。到後來看《超時空要愛》、《再生號》等，雖然主題好像不同，我卻不斷覺徥眼熟。而我說恐怖的地方，不是他們像The Others裡的鬼魂，而是那種「不知何時才等到你」的迷失和無助。

我看過Casper的一段自白，原來他是會一直伴嬰兒們玩，但當小孩到某一個歲數，他就離開他，那個就是嬰兒狂哭的階段。再大一點，小孩就有更多東西陪他了，忘記了那隻鬼精靈。Casper只會在遠遠一個角落看著他成長。每個人長大後，都會有一段和某人很親密的回憶，但他們不會記起Casper，他們只會隱約記得一個親切的形象。Tom's Midnight Garden於我就像Casper，一直在回憶深處。久不久看到或讀到一些故事，會令我想起一個花園，一個在沒有人陪伴我時一個親切的花園。

我是今天在學校的圖書館意外看到這書 (竟然還在幾個書櫃外見到The Outsiders，簡直是我對「社團」概念之啟蒙之作!)，回想才想起為何那時候會這麼喜歡這個故事。中一是我離開香港後的第一年，Tom's Midnight Garden寄托著我對香港的思念，我掛念所有人，我掛念學校，我掛念家，我害怕在香港的朋友忘記我，我不想再和鬼妹玩。我但願晚上後園也變成回到過去的花園、回到香港。而去到某一天，我能肯定一切是有發生過，一切在香港的快樂不是夢境，像那個女孩終於發現，男孩是有存在過。而男孩也會發現，自己不是女孩的鬼魂，而他們曾一起度過過最快樂的時光。

Cat Village

因為一個朋友說起消失與火車，於是我在上班無聊的時候 ，每天打一點點，譯了村上春樹《1Q84》裡的「貓之村」。其實我也未讀到這個故事，只是有人模仿書裡的人唸出來，我也模仿書裡的人聆聽了。記住後，我在電郵裡打了出來，譯了就唔好嘥，post出來公諸同好。

 I love my translated last paragraph the best. Guess which phrase I love most.

There was once this young man who loved to travel by train. He would pick a train, jump on it, and whenever he saw a pretty place or town, he would get off the train at the station, and walked off to his wonderland.

One day, he took his belongings and started his journey, like every other time he had done it. After travelling on a new line for half an hour, he reached a place with very beautiful scenery. Very much attracted, he got off. He checked the train schedule-only one train came every day in the morning, and one train back in the other direction in the evening. He remembered this and wander off to find the village, which had so magically drawn him when he was on the moving train.

After a few minutes’ walk, he reached the village, with very beautiful surrounding and architecture. But there was something odd about this town, even in hostels, he could not find a human soul. He waited and wandered, wandered and waited. Having no place to go and no one to talk to, he went onto a tower and slept. He thought he would catch the train the next morning.

After the last sunray disappeared, he started to hear voices from all over. He looked out the tower, and saw the most amazing thing he had ever seen – cats were coming from all directions, operating shops, hostels and restaurants. Some sang in the square, some talked on the street. He didn’t want to make a noise so he hid all night, looking at this magic.

Before sunrise, the cats left the town and everything was as if it was the previous morning, quiet and spotless. The next morning, the young man thought, he’d stay a little longer to see why this villages ha turned into a cat village. Since when have they gather like this? Why is it night time? Where do they go in daytime, collecting things that need to keep this place in operation? There were so many things that the curious he who wants to find out. He saw the train stopped and left in the morning and evening. He wandered for the day and stayed in the tower for the night.

For the nights after, he saw more of the cats’ lives, how some assemble in the public square, how some buy goods from grocery stores, how some operate their shops so easily. They were as if humans, he thought. He observed during the night, slept during the day, and of course filled himself with ‘cat food’ when the cats were not around. Well, but even the ‘cat food’ tasted like human food, he found no difference in his species and the night cats anyway.

On one special night, way before he got his questions sorted, he saw something extraordinary. The cats gathered at the square, not just the usual ones, but nearly all of them. It seemed they were having a meeting.

“I don’t know if you all sense the same. But I smell human these days.”

“Yes, me too, but I do not see humans anywhere.”

They decided to search the village. The young man heard everything, and trembled in fear.

They broke into several squads, as organized as they possibly could, and started to scan the area. One team went up to the tower. The young man could hear their steps coming up. Soon he could see their whiskers, detecting his breath and sweat. “The smell is so strong here. But I don’t see anyone.” “Yes, it is certainly a human but I cannot find a soul here!”

To the young man’s surprise, the cats left. He was relieved but not without doubts. Did they pass to save me? Or did they really not see me? But he saw the cat faces for sure, they were all so clear under the moonlight. Yes it was a clear, well-lit night with all the stars and moon. But still, no cats saw him. It was soon dawn and the cats went away, leaving him with questions. But I must go, he thought. He knew well that he would not be this lucky the following night.

He went to the platform the first thing in the morning. As the train approached, he picked up his backpack. But the train passed right by him, having absolutely no intention of stopping. He remained on the platform, startled. Why didn’t the train stop? With helplessness, he waved at the passengers on the train. But nobody seemed to be able to see him. They stared to the distance, skipping him, in the middle. He could not do but wait. He did not mind getting on the evening train. As long as I could leave this village, he thought.

Time passed slowly. Finally evening came, the young man once again saw the train from a distance, from the direction which he saw it abandoning him in the morning. Now, who would have thought the train did the same? Maybe everyone, including the young man. He saw this coming but he could not be so certain until the evening train left the platform. As soon as the train completely vanished, he knew he had completely disappeared from the world. This Cat Village wasn’t a place that erased his existence but rather a place that existed for his disappearance. This place was meant to be his last stop, his last contact with the world. It was here because of him, and as soon as he disappears, the village will vanish too.

*(Picture from 唔關事的 「猫の集会」)

關於結婚，我想說的其實是....

....是預言!

昨天是結婚一半個一半年的紀念。來個預言驗證。送給湯徵兆的。

老公話，人生最大的兩件事是紅白二事。我想過，若我有80歲命，我的紅跟我的白就相差六十載。80年命，是一個算命的告訴我。我一向不太相信算命，但因為結婚我意外得到這個預言。結婚前我們要去家計會做婚前檢查，篤信中醫的兩口子當然也私自去了中醫做全身檢查。如何補身不用多說，最有趣是他說我有八十命，叫我好好養身。其實我也不太介意短十五年命，十五年是我和老公相差的歲數，只要我們的健康率能同步，我短十五年命就能同年x了。說起歲數距離這回事，他又說，你這女孩，幸好找到這位先生，否則以你的性格，三十歲後也結不成婚。

是不是真的算命我不知道。但識我兩個鐘的人也不難看出我既不定性，又諸多藉口。思前想後，是大部分港女的性格，我亦不例外。不是嫌人家不夠好，就嫌自己愛得不夠。拿不出山盟海誓，又怎能接受呢? 但湯老先生不同，他除了會用自己孤獨老人的幻象來搏你的同情，最厲害還是在你毫無心理準備下，在順德酒樓內（及一群搭枱的裝修工人前）跟你求婚，而那天還是拍拖的第一天，叫我怎拒絶? 在啫啫肉炒芥蘭面前，人根本不能想到求婚二字。這個偽求婚佈局，我後來想，是絶對在他計算以內的。他太不像求婚，我也沒有閒情去思考；又或者說，他有勇氣求得那麼馬虎，我也有guts屎去立刻答應。情況有點像大學時被人「兇」一齊跳入天人合一池，結果是我不敢跳入水池，卻應承把自己一生許了給他。

其實說真的，我也是結婚後一個月，才慢慢意識到自己可以接受結婚這回事，接受的意思跟意願沒有關係，只是之前不太肯定自己可以做得來「老婆」這個身份。經歷過兩次移民，我對新環境一向抗拒。不喜歡執拾東西、不喜歡丟掉舊物、不喜歡重新適應一個新的地方--它的交通網絡、它的鄰舍關係、它的街市商場。但答應得了結婚，也不能把這些問題掛在口邊。也曾經擔心做不來「太太」的職務。可以每天煮早餐嗎? 可以記得雪櫃食物的過期日子嗎? 可以知道炒到公仔面給老公的朋友吃嗎? 也有些不關於「食」的擔憂。但不論如何，還是硬著頭皮上馬了。

後來我讀到，小克說，為何大家要這麼緊張先後次序。為什麼不能結婚後才培養長久關係? 為什麼不能生仔後才買樓? 為什麼總要花時間去弄清楚、搞準備，才去實踐呢? 到頭來不單可能失去更多。我想，從前的人盲婚啞嫁，一樣愛得濃烈。一起捱窮，一樣養得成快快樂樂的一家。我想，他是這個意思。而實際上，我這樣被「局」上車，對我這個「越諗越驚，越驚越諗」的人來說是最好的。

結婚了半年，我慢慢發現，人的適應能力真的很高。我真的可以每朝六點半起床煮早餐，放工可以去買菜，記住床單幾時該換掉，懂得電視可以駁幾多部機....近來，我還接受到自己生仔湊仔的畫面，只是還未想像到如何請一個會叫我做"mom"的工人。目前來說，婚姻最享受晚上有個枕邊人。別說那些成人遊戲，睡在他旁令我想起小時候和妹妹玩「屁股對屁股」的日子。我最享受們每晚都會望著天花板傾偈。就像每天晚上都有宿營的環節。邊談邊睡著，我小時候好像想像過這樣的畫面－－結婚，的確是一個預言的成真與實踐。